Understanding the One Thing You Can't
by Arianna Leciav
Summary: No one understands how I feel. How could they? They hadn't known James for as long as I have, and they hadn't had him taken away from them by the redhead. A-N Story COMPLETE, with a completely original plot that is in no way cliche. Please read & review.


Disclaimer: I own none of the characters except for Aderyn. The plot is completely mine, although the inspiration came from a short story I read that had a similar idea in it.

**Understanding the One Thing You Can't**

Everyone always says it's my eyes. The silver seems to catch the attention of them all. It was no different with James. He was drawn to them, he told me, and he couldn't just walk away. I supposed he still loved me, but, it didn't always seem that way. Not when she came along. The pale girl with red cascading to her shoulder bones.

He calls her Lily-flower, has since he first introduced her to me on the train. I was blonde then, but it seems to have a lighter shade now. She was always friendly to him, but I don't think she really meant it. She seemed to not like Lily-flower either, but you could only tell if you looked in her eyes. Her eyes were green, the brilliance you can see from a lake, when you look down on it. He's told me her eyes draw him too, but still said I was the only one for him, that I always would be.

I wasn't so sure about her, that girl. She was humane to me, but I didn't like her cat, Shadow. The bushy tailed, gray furred monster posed as a domesticated creature, but from the look in his eyes, I could tell he didn't like me either. I don't like cats. They seem to sense my apprehensiveness just by looking at me, and they take advantage of it.

Shadow leaped for me, knowing I hate him, but James caught him in mid air, saving me from that beast. It was his Quidditch practice, I knew; that girl thought James was showing off. The red head left after that, taking the brute with her.

That first day on the train wasn't that bad, I suppose, but James and Sirius, a tall boy with steel gray eyes, were playing exploding snap; I wasn't able to sleep, making me snap at anything. Worst of all, a boy came in later reminding me of a mouse. He had the eyes, the nose, the coloring to be one. The only thing wrong was his height. Much too big for a mouse, but he still left the lasting impression. That boy, James called him Peter, kept trying to get to me. I had to move almost constantly to keep him away. James finally stopped him, telling the mousy boy that I was more of a loner when it came to people other than him. He was right of course.

Something bothers me though; it's the brown, almost sunken eyes of that mouse. I looked within the brown, seeing that he had a hungered stare. One of wanting, waiting for it. I could only shudder with dread, knowing that gaze fell on me. Only the withering of good can come from those eyes.

The ride in a boat across the lake was different for me. I'd never ridden in a boat before, but James was there with me the whole ride, making sure I wasn't upset by it. I watched the tiny white specks floating around on the water, the stars reflected perfectly, reminding me of the first time I flew.

It was wonderful. James was there with me, making sure I didn't fall. We flew together for hours, right through the sunset, watching the stars appears. I wanted to fly to them, around them, taking in all their glory. James' broom wouldn't go any higher, so we went back down. Down to Earth, where I'd be with him forever, but then he turned eleven. We were going, together, to Hogwarts. He said we'd always be together, he'd never leave me. We were going to the school where he'd meet Lily, the girl who stole his heart.

Later after the feast, I'd met James in his dormitory. The colors were bold and dark, complimenting the castle, but not me. I prefer the gray, white, and black rainbow. I would get used to it though.

He walked in, and seeing me, came and started to talk to me. Not about anything in particular, he told me everything. Sirius knew most everything about James, but I knew it all.

He shared his dorm with the boys in his year, that mouse boy was one of them. But another boy also was there. He seemed to know James a little, met him at the feast. James told me his name was Remus.

"Remus, I'd like you to meet Aderyn," James politely introduced.

"Hello, you have the most beautiful eyes, Aderyn. They remind me of two full moons," he said, growing quieter as he went. I returned the greeting, which seemed to surprise James.

He spoke for me. "She usually only talks to me. She must really like you."

I didn't say anything, but it was true. There's something different about this blonde boy with blue eyes; he seems to understand me more than most people.

While James was away, Remus would talk to me. He told me about his parents, his wolf dog at home (I like dogs much more than cats), his plans for classes and after school, and how he hoped to have some friends here. He liked James, but they hadn't talked much at dinner. I tried to reassure him best I could, James would come through, and he understood. There was something else about him, almost like he could begin to understand me. Something that neither of us could understand, however, was James' Lily Rants.

James would often tell Remus and I about Lily, that little girl with piercing eyes. He told us how well she did in her classes, how she never broke any rules. I knew this of course; I did pay attention to details well. She was perfect. She could master any spell on her first try, she always finished her homework before everyone else, she always knew the answer to any question, and she never had wrinkled skirts; she assumed too much.

After one in particularly long one, James seemed to have realized I was a little ruffled; he asked if I wanted to go flying with him. I knew first years were never allowed. Stress relief was an exception to me. No one ever saw us; he had his father's Invisibility Cloak, and James pinned it down.

Heading down to the pitch, James readied the broom, making positive he wouldn't be seen. We took off, soaring higher than the settled fog. I could feel the wind, the drafts, the very beating of the Earth, as the heat from the dirt rose up and met my gliding feet. It was wonderful; this was where I was meant to be, made to be, born to be, above the world, looking down at the crosshairs of life, above everyone. This how all our flights felt.

I kissed him goodnight, and he went to bed; I just gazed out the window. The grounds were so peaceful at night. I could see mice skittering at the edge of the woods, and I longed to be with them, them to be with me. I wanted to know every mystery of the grounds, but even more, I wanted to know the mysteries of Remus.

I watched; he would disappear for a day or two, quite often actually. He always told me he'd be back, that some day he'd tell me where he was going; I trusted him. He told James and the other boys that he had to visit his sick mother, or that his Great-uncle died. I knew he was lying, you could tell by his eyes. He knew I knew too, but I never question.

James would talk to me about him too. He wondered where Remus would go, and why all his family was so sickly. I wondered where fate would take him too, but never agreed or disagreed to any of James' theories on the blonde boy.

They were quite good friends by Christmas, which I was glad of. The four boys, including the mouse one, would go and raid the kitchens, set off dungbombs, do magic in the halls, practice their spells on Severus Snape.

James and Remus had told me everything they knew about the cold-eyed boy; he seemed perfectly vile to me. I'd only seen him in passing, here and there. Often he'd be out on the grounds, sometimes throwing rocks, which I didn't like; he almost hit me once. Didn't even apologize.

Through all their escapades, all the madness and mayhem they caused, the Marauder's, James told me they were called, had broken every rule set down by any teacher, Headmaster, or caretaker that ever set foot in Hogwarts. I had been invited along to most of them, but I usually preferred to stay back, not wanting to get caught in crossfire. I did accompany them to the kitchens a few times though, always hoping I could get a few apple slices, my favorite treat.

James hadn't really talked to the Lily girl, he told me. She wouldn't talk back, and when she did, it was usually to ask why he was talking to her. I myself didn't understand this. James was a wonderful person, he always helped when I needed it, and never asked too much of me. While I didn't like her much, she could at least have been nice.

I got the chance to really talk with her one day when I happened to be in the Owlery. She had come up to deliver a package to home, and not having her own, she was borrowing one of the school's owls. I was up there to be alone for a while with my own thoughts.

"So, you're Aderyn, right?" She had asked. I didn't feel like talking to her, so I didn't. She took this to mean I was shy.

I didn't reply to anything she said, but she felt like she could talk to me, so she did. I heard about her sister, who seemed nice enough, I learned that she was a Muggle-born, which James had never told me. She told me that she was sorry that her cat had attacked me, and I knew now that she wasn't perfect. She wasn't very good at making new friends.

She had tried to be nice, and she hadn't meant to be rude to James, but she wished someone could understand. I understood. She knew I did.

Maybe the redhead wasn't quite as bad as was expected, maybe.

She happened to be a fervent note taker. James simply took down anything he thought would be fun to try on Snape. I remembered everything. Anything I heard or saw was remembered. I smell things that have been long gone; it merely sticks with me, always there, just waiting for when I might need it.

I remembered to be in the Owlery every Friday afternoon, when Lily came to write home. It was almost scheduled.

Anything and everything was said in the Owlery. I found that her sister, Petunia she said, wasn't returning her notes, which upset Lily. They had been best friends, and Lily couldn't understand why her notes were going unanswered. She hoped her sister was sick, which was found to be wrong.

I would go back to James' room; he always wanted to talk to me after school too. He'd tell me about the new plans for a prank; one even had me in it. The Marauder's were aiming to scare the first year girls, using me to make unearthly noises, scratches, anything unusual. I did it a few times a week, always making sure none of the victims saw me. Rumors were started flying that a female Bloody Baron haunted the dorm.

James and I often went flying together at night. We could have soared for hours, but sleep was a necessity, and classes were important. Most of the time I'd go back with him, then when he'd gone to bed, I'd go fly more. I was a night creature, flying with the bats, seeing everything. Everything happened to include Remus.

On many occasions I saw Remus with the nurse, Madame Pomfrey, go to that blasted tree that had it in for me. I'd run into its range a few too many times, having the branches try to squash the life out of my small body. The only thing that stumped me was how they got the Womping Willow to stop its womping. The rest was easy to understand.

Remus is a werewolf. He never saw me, neither of them did. I'd keep quiet about it, but he knew I knew. He finally decided to tell me for himself a week before the end of school. He felt guilty for not telling me sooner. His baby-blue eyes couldn't lie to me.

James was still trying to figure out where Remus would go. Remus had me promise not to tell anyone, the fear of being abandoned was looming with him every time he changed. James was getting closer too. Sirius and the mouse boy would discuss the matter while Remus was in the tree. I felt bad, not wanting anyone to hurt him, but there wasn't anything I could do.

The Hogwarts Express stopped their efforts, however. That didn't mean they wouldn't get together over the summer though. I think I saw more of them then than I did at school. The four boys were completely inseparable, along with me. I went every where with James. They all know that.

Mrs. Potter was ragged by the time the Hogwarts' letters arrived. Four boys, the kitchen completely emptied by one of them, were devastated to be going back to school. I was actually glad to see the end of summer, it meant that the Marauder's wouldn't be together so much, and they may not see Remus' monster.

The moon controls him. Remus always tells me that. Ending our discussions, that phrase would burn into my brain. Moons, he'd told me before my eyes reminded him of moons. I'd never thought of that before. He must see moons every where. He had to leave James' during the summer; the moon was biding him to. I prayed it wouldn't happen. I suppose I did know it would come, but the longer it was away, the better. The monster was waiting, wanting to be discovered.

Rather than taking the boats in second year, we rode in carriages drawn by huge winged horses. There weren't feathers, but fur instead, almost velvet like, with rose red eyes. The ones in front of my coach glared, as if they wanted to start dinner early. I scooted closer to James, who looked at me with those hazel eyes of his like I needed a head doctor. He must not have seen the way they looked at me.

He climbed in, taking me too, and the other boys climbed in after us. The ride seemed shorter than the way through the lake; it was just as well, I was tired, longing for a good nap.

So I slept through the feast, knowing James would tell me about the sorting. I meant to get up earlier than I did, and when I woke up, I saw that everyone was sleeping. I roamed the Common Room for a while, not feeling like sleep any more. I was down there when James came.

He walked to the couch and flopped into its middle, not seeing me yet. I moved so I was in front of the fire. He sat up, wanting to get his thoughts out of his head.

"Aderyn, Remus is a werewolf!" He stared at me, waiting. I stared back. No one could win a staring contest against me, never James. He blinked, expecting me to do something, any reaction.

All the reaction had been in my head. I hadn't wanted this, Remus hadn't wanted this. Why couldn't he have waited a while, what would James do? Had he told the other boys yet? I nodded my head.

"You already knew? What should I do? I'm not leaving him, but I haven't told him I know. Should I tell him?" I agreed of course, Remus needed to know.

Next I saw Remus, he was paler. James had told him. He had come to me, needing to talk.

"James knows, 'course you probably already knew that." I urged him on. He sighed. "He's still my friend. Didn't even squirm when he told me. That's something new. Everyone else I've told, except you, look at me like I'm going to rip them to shreds at any moment. I'm really lucky." He stopped again, watching his hands.

"I said he could tell the others, I hope I did right," he said, watching me for approval. I didn't move, wanting him to decide on his own. "I guess I did, they'd find out anyway."

The meeting for the Marauder's that night was discussing what to do about Remus. They had all decided to stick with him, as I had. But they wanted to help, to find a cure. I knew that wasn't possible, not at their age, and I let them know.

James finally said they needed to sleep around three in the morning. They all promised to never give up on him.

I gave him the idea; he told me it was the best yet. The monster couldn't hurt animals; it was their only chance. Animagi would solve it all, and with a side of mischief, it was too good to pass up. James was best at transfiguration, he could help the mousy boy, and Sirius was almost as good as James. They could do it; they'd found a book telling them how.

They made a pact, all swore to always try, to never let it die. I fully took it on too, though I'd never be an animagus. I could help, keep up their spirits, be a cheerleader for the Animagus Project, so to speak.

As school moved on, rather slowly, if you ask me, the Animagus Project grew more dangerous. It was quite clear by the end of third year that James would be a deer. His antlers had first appeared in the transformation practices in the middle of third year. Sirius had long, black ears about the same time, but it took the mousy boy until the beginning of fourth year to have a pink nose and whiskers. It surprised all the boys that he would be a rat, but I found it horribly fitting.

More dangerous than the project was the Marauder's declared 'Unholy' wars. I was unfortunate enough to be caught by some of the shrapnel during one of the worst one's, ending with me having violent pink feathers. Rather disturbing actually; thankfully Madame Pomfrey was able to fix me right up with a bit of experimenting.

I, sadly, was around more than the others to hear some of James' Lily-rants, which started near the end of fifth year. He told me he hadn't asked her to go to Hogsmeade yet, but he planned to. I myself wasn't looking forward to this, I knew it'd lead to me being forgotten.

The day came sooner than I was ready for. Exams had been boring, but easy, and the Marauder's had gone outside afterwards to cool off. I was sleep; the evening before had been long, with Remus and I going for a short walk around the lake.

James told me that the greasy boy, Snape, started to fight with them, calling names and other obscenities. Then he attacked James when his back was turned; a huge gash was what I saw from the fight. After James had been hurt, he asked the Lily girl to go on a date with him, and she refused. I'm outraged really, a boy asked her out, his cheek bleeding, and she said no.

I can never say no. James is an amazing boy, with character to fill to the moon. He seems perfect to me, I can't understand why she doesn't see what is so obvious. I didn't meet her in the Owlery anymore.

James, of course, made Headboy. I'm not surprised, he's always a gentleman, punctual, and got homework done extraordinarily well. I once stayed up with him until three in the morning so he could finish a Charms essay, it was my job to poke his knee if he drifted off.

He told me immediately, knew I'd be excited. He and I went to Diagon Alley together, as we always did, but Sirius came with us that year. I don't mind him so much anymore; he moved in to the mansion during the summer after fifth year, leaving his house behind. Apparently his house was mostly dark cast, hardly any light or sense filtered in. James' home always reflects the light shone through the faces; I understand why the steel-eyed boy came here.

On the train I found that Lily was the Headgirl, wasn't surprised at all. This, I discovered, would not be in my best interest as the two Heads would have many meetings together; James had asked me not to come, he wanted to impress Lily…

He did tell me the first meeting of the year went well, with hardly any yelling. I suppose this is all well, but I find it hurts more than a little that I've been denied the chance to go. After so many years of always having him there, the space felt empty.

James told me during one of our flying sessions, every Wednesday after curfew, that talking with the Lily-flower had improved. I don't think he noticed that I tensed to this, almost flew into the middle goal actually.

It was only fog to me why he needed to have her notice him, why her? She has beautiful eyes, very much like the moss found under waterfalls, the tough kind that never gives in; mine captivate everyone, no person cannot see me.

She seemed to have eased up a bit, not so prim and rude as before too. I felt as though James no long remembered me, he'd forgotten to kiss me goodnight more than once.

Worst of all, the note exchange began. James would have taken the notes to her himself, but he couldn't go to the girl's dorms. Thus, I was sent, the sickening task of giving the love devices from the mind of one James Potter in my keep, my duty to deliver safely, my task to make sure nothing of the wrong sort came into contact with the poem or note, which ever this one was. One can hardly blame me for the shredding of said devices that incurred.

The decision after the aforementioned incident resulted in the bribing system, as I was the only trustworthy entity who would never think of telling any thoughts or opinions contained in the notes; even the fact of my hatred for the redhead wouldn't lead me to that. Of course, the added benefit of apple slices did secure the parchment's safe passage into the hands of Lily-girl. The notes, however, stopped after That Day.

He didn't come That Day, our scheduled flying on Wednesday was gone. He was with her.

Remus had tried to explain it to me, why James forgot. I didn't understand. That ignorance left me feeling stupid and naive, the feeling of degradation from having the hand puppet tactic used on me aside.

I could tell Remus wasn't telling me something. His eyes, when he told me my liking for the redhead would grow, they shifted, and he didn't look me in the eye. He seemed adamant I'd like her more, once I spent more time with her. I wasn't going to, I didn't want to. Of course, that was before James told me.

Remus had known, Sirius had known, even the rat boy had known, but not me. Remus and James had felt I'd do better if they tried to get me to understand before I knew. It was simply a mind-numbing fate for me.

I had been subjected to James' practice periods, all of which were pointless. He was perfect. His approach was perfect. The asking was perfect. The ring was perfect. He's perfect, she's perfect, they're perfect. I'm not. Perfection went when I tried to put my piece in the puzzle. I didn't fit.

Of course he took me to look for rings, all of which would have been fine; I was only there to tell him he was making the right decision, a yes individual. I had no say in the matter anyway, what point had I there? I had only to look into his eyes to know what he did not. All the nods of dissatisfaction were only echoing what he thought, the small approval of the Marquise cut diamond still only a reflection.

Her answer was yes, as though it could be anything else. I felt odd; James said I'd like her, get use to her, I'd still be his girl. I couldn't believe that though. How could I? I didn't think I'd ever understand, and neither would he.

Changes can, and do, happen. The wedding was in beautiful summer, and the snow can only reflect the sun's shine seen there. The Dark Lord's ranks gain, along with the Order's. While I'm obviously not a member, they sometimes call on me to deliver messages. Like now.

James has called me down to him, another important note to deliver, although no longer to his now wife. I will go, I'm not mad at him anymore, happier than before even.

They were right, I love Lily now. She gives me all the apple slices I could ever get fat on, most likely to get me to like her. She's sweet actually, tells me how idiotic James is sometimes, how he sometimes leaves off parts of stories. She never tightens the bindings too tight, and she even taught Shadow to leave me alone.

I fly down the stairs onto James' arm; he always holds it like that. I never say anything about it, but his arm is always tilted up slightly, just so. Almost as if he wants me to feel we're equal, though it seems unconscious.

He ties the piece of brown parchment to my leg and kisses my beak lightly. Try as I may, my mission may be the end of me. Many of us are intercepted, I never have been thankfully.

I nip James' nose back and fly out the window, because as McAlexander said, "The harder you work, the luckier you get."

A/N Hope you liked it. Please review and tell me what you thought of it, but _**DO NOT SAY ANYTHING IN THE REVIEWS THAT WILL GIVE AWAY THE ENDING!**_


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